Closet

wall to wall carpet
alone in crowded comfort
my palace and home

The heart, if claimed, would not be possessed.

The devil shed tears on the night you were born. The world had been given something beautiful that could not be tarnished.

Angels and Demons, alike, shed tears on the night you were born. I know not which shed were tears of joy and which were of sorrow.

My other self suffers in my laughter.

[no title]

alas! a final revelation,

no more steps backward

after so much contemplation

No more steps backward

I'm the me I'm meant to be

vice dropped, virtue mastered

I'm the me I'm meant to be

alas! a final revelation,

to bring forth the new me

alas! a final revelation,

no more steps backward

only the slightest hesitatio

Rather Hated than Forgotten

I've inscribed stanzas upon my heart, in

tiny letters to beguile you near, to

put in pain the fervor I endure, when

the aim of my desire is cold; is you.

My self-lacerations scab and I peel,

to keep fresh these scars which speak of an us,

no physician sought; only you can heal,

my festering lesions, dripping with pus.

Wound for a wound: all things commensurate,

thus my scribe to your flesh does take it's turn,

contempt of my quill quite inveterate.

Passion is passion; may your fire burn.

Anxiety

I amongst friends, with smiles abound,
Not a dry tongue amongst to be found,
Stories are told over the roar of a bar,
Accounts pulled fresh from a tepid memoir,
Then comes a silence which pervades from within,
Alone amongst all, isolated once again.
Sobriety consumes, and fear is alight,
A glance to a door, a reflex toward flight,
A still repose to disperse my doubt
But quiet too long, from discussion cutout.
And suddenly I see to utter dismay,
I, alone, unhidden in this masquerade.
Not an ally around do I recognize,
Strangers beset me in subtle disguise.
And, I, alike, a stranger to them,
Clandestine pretender hidden within,
And so a chance, I may have found,
An excuse to flee, another drink down.
I slink to the bar, empty bottle in tote.
Two shots and a beer to loosen my throat.
A whiskey burn and a beer to chase
A need to get drunk with fervor and haste
A drunken glaze will vanquish my fears
And return me to kinship, as one amongst peers
Or a drunken haze will simply lift veil
And leave me bare for all to assail
So false sobriety I shall feign
A calm dignity, a noble refrain.

I must get out of my head
They consider me a friend,
No strangers to dread,
No cause to defend.

Back to conversing, a smile I can fake,
Agency returns as fear takes a break,
I smile and I laugh and add to the chatter
When I suddenly realize the crux of the matter
I hate myself, that I cannot deny
And no matter the mask, my eyes will belie.
A tear wells up to betray the smile
Before it can surface I seek to beguile,
Finish this beer and with empty in hand
Return to the bar, alone, and just stand,
Patiently wait, no reason to beckon
A quieter storm in each passing second

Alone with my thoughts where I'm truly free,
A willful acquiescence to the chaos in me.
Another night out with my anxiety.

Masks

Behind every mask
Is a face
Etched with purpose.
And care.
But over every face,
Is a mask.
Malleable,
Less honest

I am my mask
As you are yours
But you are so much more
While I am my mask alone.

Raven

Were He to find in his wearisome malevolence,
the will to strip the wings from a raven,
And curse the flightless with caustic virulence,
for wanting what was taken,

What might be left, a forgotten expression?
The eyes, unsure, it saunters.
Looks not to Corvus with solemn confession,
Resigned to the field it wanders.

In the same, my pen once broken and spent,
The numbness of my heart a contagion,
My walls grew thick, my mind intent,
A censure upon my soul, engraven

But the Raven it runs,
and it leaps,
and it climbs
Every tree, or stalk, a gym.
Toward Corvus is searches,
and it seeks,
and it finds,
A raven won't be embittered by a whim.

Fathers and Sons

When I was but a whisper on his tongue,
A bitter taste, a second son,
An obligation toward love undone,
Was my taste a bitter one?

When my first cries touched his ear,
Were they cries of love or fear?
Were they received with gentle hum?
Or met in kind as torrid bedlam?

When my soft skin did touch his hand,
So coarse, so cold, so strong, so tanned,
For just a moment, did his heart melt?
I suffer to grasp how that touch was felt.

Nameless Nymph [2]

In the moment our eyes first met by chance,
a tale unfurled I would come to regret:
a laugh, an exchange, a meeting, a dance,
a lazy autumn stroll, chasing sunset.
Matching cardigans we learned how to knit,
mountains reflecting your head on my chest,
through the train window in a cab unlit.
A candle, a ring, a promise, a yes,
a vow, a home, three children and two pets.
A sunrise on rockers, two seniors smile:
and in our eyes we espy no regrets.
A tale of nameless love sure to beguile
In the moment, a love, I alone hold:
a tale unwritten, a poem untold.

N***** [2]

I wrote your name one-thousand seven-hundred and thirty-six times on a piece of paper
and I-
I burned it.
Twenty-three times on the eight sides of a number two pencil,
thrice on the tip,
once on the eraser,
stuck it in the fire
and I-
turned it.
Sketched my diary in a tree,
carved the memory of a single night and a thousand dreams

I spoke to my soul with pleading tongue
to relinquish its song, my pain, your animus
to drown out the ballad,
the cursed chorus,
the convulsive refrain,
melodious maladies waning in perpetuity
through the walls of my soul

I solicit demons and angels alike
for rest,
for solace,
for calm,
to restrain the roaring tides
and contend the discord shaking my ether

You who never was,
I will always love,
You who always were,
Forever have my contempt.
Enmity in the mask of my rapture,
Pretender,
Charlatan!
Enchantress!
I shall abhor you to the end of my days

Bored

chocolate coated taxis
await on the shore
driven by tiny men
trumpeting gold plated conch shells
as newspapers reveal
tomorrow's lies and,
sparrows swim tectonic gorges,
we,
we are bored.

Forever Alone

I wanted to love and be loved by someone smart and funny,
a little quirky and beautiful,
at least in my eyes....
but I realized this was like wanting the moon.

So I wanted to love and be loved by anyone.
Just someone flesh and bones
who would smile at me
and make me smile.
But that's liking wanting to quench your thirst with cloud water.

So I wanted a friend.
Someone who I could trust.
I could share my pain
and they would not run away.
But....this is like wanting to quench that thirst with the snow atop a mountain.

It's like everyone around me has rockets or wings and I don't even have working legs...so I lie beside this puddle, my face deep in the mud....

An ode to Ruth

her eyes have been wetted
her back been made sore
her glance wanders now
tracing patterns upon her floor

her grace is now fading
as she wrinkles her furrowed brow
her beauty alone remains
a mockery of her now

she stamps the mud in pain
trying to bring back her youth
dark hair no longer glistens
no--no longer for Ruth

Ruth was my sister
but she grew far too fast
now mother Rude,
dad says you'll soon have passed

I once took on a saddle
thinking it'd be fun
to give you just one turn
and oh how you'd laugh when we'd run

but I would run alone
because you couldn't help but fly
no, I was never jealous old Ruth
well, maybe that's a lie

I drink.

I drink for the man who thirsts but suffers
and begs only to be kicked
I drink for the hearts that crave and long
and bear open only to be ripped
I drink for the farmer of kind deeds
clinging to juvenile proclivities
with such vigor the moonshine makes him blind
I drink for the lonely
I drink for the drunk
I drink for the sober
I drink
and I am drunk.

in a moment, unbroken raindrops seem to outnumber even the stars
yet they are not nearly as eternal
The fragility of these raindrops reminds me that even the stars are mortal
And God has given us a gift in the waning and waxing of this world
For that which can fade away is beautiful
I find myself jealous of the boy who will watch the last sunset
Had I the eyes of God and His village,
I would peer with selfish intent and consume of beauty
And I would burn it and see it fade away.
Everything that is beautiful must one day pass
And in its passing everything is beatiful

Homeless

I walked to the man in the lake and he asked

where will I lay my head?

I said,

"it won't be on a pillow

you won't be lying on a bed

but the best dreams are under the stars

so I'll see you on Jupiter

and maybe we'll make it to Mars"

"then I'll see you on Jupiter

and invite you to Mars

mars has the best restaurants

but Saturn's got the bars"

"we'll be dancing on Saturn's rings"

as a choir of angels sings"

"they might just be aliens"

"I'm not worried about these things!

I'll see you on Jupiter"

"where the cold wind shall blow"

"then lets forget about Jupiter

and I'll meet you on Mars

we lay our head under the stars

but we'll wake up on mars..."

detached

In a crowded street,

some busy boulevard,

of my lonesome musing,

where the cyclists pedal

and families push strollers,

friends talk

about future and past weddings

about newborns and baby showers

they whisper funereal small talk

new and lost jobs

classes, professors

the occasional hey or how you doing

long time no see

what've you been up to

still with that baker, nurse, brunette?

yeah, Sarah, Christian, Rebecca.

no,

yeah,

we're engaged.

congratulations

sorry to hear that

she was a mess anyways

nice catching up

have a nice day.

skateboard punk rockers,

yuppies and thugs,

on their cellphones

as vendors sell

and beggars beg

churches and clubs

carrying fliers

as cars roar past

and babies cry

I hear it all

through these ear-buds

attached to my pocket

as I walk alone

detached

to the dry beat of my empty heart

Hurt

How can I find the words to express the pain

though none is felt

How can I find the words to express the hurt

when I'm in ecstacy

How can I perfect the smile

so that you can see my tears

I can't

only in silence do I feel this

If I could convey to you the beauty of this torture

and your heart could wretch

in such a way you question its existence

your legs could tremble so that you walk straight

your eyes could cloud with fear and doubt

as you gaze upon the beautiful trees

If serenity could overwhelm you like like soft pillows

Then you could no nothing as I do

you could not understand my suffering

as I do

And we could walk alone as I would.

Shy Poet

I sing the song of wandering toes

yet she hears but silence

I dance an interpretation of loves first kiss

yet she sees only I trip

I give the gift of love unimposing

yet she thinks me withdrawn

What woe is there for a poet who hides his words behind the guise of a mute.

a poet,

I search my soul with tireless reverie

for the song to put forth in ink

and with unwavering devotion,

I frustrate my passion

into minced psalms of love,

yet so is the woe of an artist

so is the tale of splintered quills

do the geese cry?

or laugh at my inane attempt to fly?

but I am grounded with granite

as I sketch the song of my soul

words can no longer suffice

prose no longer qualms

my inspiration,

my love,

my love that shall last forever more

my love that shall go on to love another

my love that shall hate me only to love me again

my love that shall tear upon the walls of my heart

and unleash a swelling of ink,

rage and tears shall fall

but always

always my love

To my dearest Chelsea,

I love you,

Dad

Entropy

chaos fills my whole--

no more room to thrash or grow,

It becomes still; calm.

two words

Two words

Like sweet teardrops

Felt on my palms

Escape her lips

As she breathes ecstasy into my ears

And war into my soul

With two words,

My tounge repeats silently,

I grasp for an understanding,

Seek my heart for a response,

But these two words are final,

The beginning and the end

Of all we were when I first saw her and our eyes met only to part in a fleeting grasp for tempestuous cool.

Then these two words when we are one, unknowing, unsure,

These two words define her, as my silence defines me,

With these two words she has opened her heart as my soul struggles tirelessly from my mind's unrelenting grasp.

I hear these two words and feel the etching upon my walls which scream at her touch.

The two words I've waited for, she whispers, "call me"

aphorisms

We dreamers are fools who sow our seeds in the skies and plant our dreams within the earth. But we gain our desire, our longing, while you would gain fulfillment and cease dreaming.

...

Love is one soul gaining an understanding of itself through knowledge of another soul

....

The civilized are those who would call us filthy for rolling upon the bare earth while they clean themselves with perfumes and lusters

....

I once met a man who knew 24 languages but had been deafened in a war. He knew not sign language and so, was dumb

....

Joy is the fruit which blossoms from the tree of Life

Sorrow is the roots which consume bitterness to feed the tree of Life

Hope is the seed which sprouts first Sorrow that Life might take form and Joy might blossom in its finest seasons

....

He who would stand upon the plains and envy the mountains their height, is the same as he who would stand upon the summit and envy the vastness of the plains

....

He is a fool who would rename 'the procrastination of experiencing life,' 'the patience of awaiting death' and find virtue in inaction

....

Two roads diverged in the wood and I, too, took the one less traveled by. And when I fell no one was around to hear my cries

....

What frustration there is for a poet that a pen cannot scream!

...

In companionship, I discovered I can find lonliness apart from solitude; In love, I discovered that I can find solitude apart from loneliness.
...

Perhaps horses are better judges of what rivers we should drink from.

phantoms

falling stars strike nature's womb

igniting the earthen flames of our passionate hates

as phantoms' footsteps dry the earth

and they beat a song of silence with their drums

and the harpists of heaven play a tender song of misery

too sad for our ears

the phantoms march on

the harpists' song fades behind darkened clouds

and pierces the hearts of angels

that their tears might fall

and moisten the dry clay in which we lie

but the phantoms march on

breathing cold, death, carrion,

in their wake, we lay,

listening to the beat of their drums

which beat silence into our ears

and truth into our minds

which grasp for lies

and the phantoms march on

ever approaching

I want to love.

"I want to love in a way that makes me realize I'm a liar. To love someone so truly that I realize all the times I've ever thought I was in love, I was sadly mistaken. To love as if I've never truly known love. And then, when I've felt love as I've never felt it before, when I've become sure, faithfully sure, that I've reached the summit of love and my heart is completely open to another, when my soul shines as it never has before, when words flow from my lips in sweet harmony with the beating of a kindred heart and tears swell in my eyes from pure bliss, rushing into a river of joy and pain and sorrow all sweet to my tongue, when my passion overcomes my reason and I'm mad, truly madly in love, I want to love even more."

Bullshitter's Fate.

I walk into the bar,
not a blemish upon my mask.
I'm everything I've ever dreamed
with each overturned emptied glass.
a secret prince,
an astronaut,
a street cop feeling the blues.
see, just this morning my partner was shot.
I just gave his wife the news.
so excuse me miss
if I drink too much,
I just don't wanna be left alone.
all I need is 20 dollars of weed
and a soft shoulder to cry on!

from bar to bar,
I flip my mask,
a saint,
a sinner,
but with a troubling past.
you're the first to see my face, my friend.
I swear, the only one I've ever told.
so with my cards layed out,
I'm going all in--
time to check or fold!

night to night,
I flip my mask
of 9000 lives and 9000 pasts.
the names, the faces
they start to see.
and my magic mask is becoming me.
an astronaut cop,
a sinful saint,
I lost a bet,
or that's just not my name.
it was fun,
but now I'm the mask they hate.
I suppose this is just
The Bullshitter's Fate.

dunno....

nature tries to hide,
with her leaves and weeds and brush,
her child's err, our homes

Line of Duty

trenches on the line,
warmed steel in cold fingers, a
loving mothers wound

Bums

litter roams the street,
open hands carry closed hearts,
un-gloved in winter

Inspiration

She dips her pen in my heart

through an unseen wound

and her words are my life

I am a muse she has created

an unholy chimera of her passions

I dip my pen in her heart

through an unforgiving wound

and my words are my pain

she is a muse I have imagined

an unholy incarnation of my desire

We dip our pens in each others' hearts

through requited wounds

and our words are our enslavements

we, each the other's muse, life and pain,

holy lovers of the others desire and passion

...

a darkened sky
midnight
the street lamp illuminates
an autumn maple
like a shadow of light in
a darkened world

colors

red is the color of blood
of lacerations of the flesh
self-inflicted
the color of amusement parks
and tricycles
red is the color of my heart which beats life
of fire which destroys the same

blue is the color of tears
of asphyxiation
with a smile
the color of cotton candy
and collared polos
blue is the color of the river which runs
and the ocean which sinks

yellow is the color of a newborn child
of jaundiced old men
drowning in home-brew
the color of fireworks
and Easter gowns
yellow is the color of the sun which shines
and the moon which mocks it

white is the color of carnations
of a child's smile
fading in time
the color of wedding dresses
and vanilla ice cream
white is the color of all colors, of light
and the color of pale skin when all light fades

black, black is not a color
it is the absence I am writing with
shedding darkness of this bright leaf
black is all that I love
all that I wish to see
so I scribble and write
to cover this leaf with a new color
the color of a poem unwritten
the color of an infant song
the color of undying belief
of ignorance knowing its wrong
give me the color forth
from the darkness of my ink
with poetic alchemy
I scribble
I draw
I write
to rid this leaf of the color of light

Nameless Nymph

Nameless nymph,
tender temptress.
In that awkward moment,
our worlds became as one.
In that crowded train,
our fears became undone.
In that single glance,
a thousand soft words are shared.
In that shy retreat,
a thousand hard tears are shed.

Nameless nymph,
our lips have never parted yet we kissed.
tender temptress,
our bodies never touched yet I raped you.

Nameless nymph,
tender temptress,
you exist only for these moments
these moments we share.

a thousand moments
a thousand nymphs

I

yesterday I believed myself a raindrop,
falling and rising in rhythm between the ocean and the clouds,
in descent, I was but what's naught,
as I was drank by the greater waters,
I found myself quivering,
a murky fragment in the boundless depths.
in ascent, I was naught but what was,
as I became of the greater mists,
I found myself somber,
a jaded shiver in the unfathomable heights
today I have found that I am the cloud and the ocean and the raindrop.
I am all of life flowing in rhythm within myself.

let me rest my knees before you,
let me rise and I shall never rest,
to prove my worth,
to stand by your side,
may my back be broken,
humbled,
bent

shy guy

my dark eyes see all of you
all but your bright eyes
your soft smile shines on all of my luster
yet you ignore the eyes contradicting my sweet smile
your ears linger to hear the parting waters which rush from those lips
yet know not the impossible labor of the throat in refining the crude to the clear

words

these words will never be enough
they are my frustration
you'll never see the flame of my passion
not in these words
these words are the seal not the expression
I give you my love in these words
as your beauty is given in a photograph
as your rage is given in a smile
my passions are given in these words
but these words are not enough
I want to smash,
to break,
incite,
ignite,
yet I recite
I want to caress,
to kiss,
grasp,
fuck,
yet I write
no, these words will never be enough
but from so far away, they are all I have.

Sip and Sic

I wait for us to fade away
deceptor, you said we were no more
I watch and wait as all the joy becomes pain
I sipped the sweet wine
you warned it'd grow bitter
I hold to that first sip
that first sip
sip and sic
another mistake
you held me tight
it took so much to loosen the grasp of your talons
now I hold the bottle
I watch and wait for us to fade
sip, sip, sic
I'm dreaming and awake
you said we'd be no more
so why do I still see us
how can you be so far and near
vixen
love
sip, sip, sip...sic
I'm thinking by myself
my only fear
no one but me here
we are no more
but I am we
sip and we are no more.

...

I'll lie my head upon your shoulder 

your thoughts seep in 

blanket me in your doubts 

cover my insecurities with your lies 

 I'll rest my feet in your lap 

your tickles send rumors 

trap me in your heart 

enrage me with your love 

 I'll close my eyes against your neck

your words paint murals 

arouse me in your ether 

entice me with your poetry

Beauty

I searched for your beauty repeated,
that you might know the power it possesses,
Far and near, I searched in desperation.
but no rose knew symmetry,
no vase had a perfect flaw,
no painting knew grace and rhythm,
no song could smile,
no diamond emobodied innocence,
no pearl could make me cry.
So I've brought you a mirror.
Though its reflection is dull and contorted,
only in it shall beauty ever be revealed to you.

Trapped_inSanity

I am sane by my standards alone. Insane by yours. I am insane by yours. I am frustrated by the schism between who I am and how I act.I am masked insanity, trapped. I am trapped in sanity.

Memories

We are our memories
let us not forget from whence we came
so as we drink the wine which ripens in each sip
from the river which flows with each turn,
let us savor the sorrow and pain
that we might comprehend the joy and bliss

the abyss

This is the abyss
dark as dusk
but dawn shall never come
we are stuck in this moment
when light escapes the plains
weary and weak we can only watch
we sit and wait
light forever dims
darkness approaches in a tease
yet, that darkness never approaches
I smile for I sit with the light
let darkness come and take me
that I can be overcome in this dusk
next to you
guide me toward our soul
that we might shine as one
for you are not the flower but the root
which creates bliss of bitterness
brilliance in the shade

Dark Flashes

I can see the gaps between moments
dark flashes upon which my heart races in anticipation
time withers, twists and tears
blanks within a stare
no time lost
I can see the gaps between moments

N*****

Have you ever seen darkness glow? I thought I had once. Darkness that gleamed brilliantly. I saw in it all that I desired in this world. Darkness in and of itself could be beautiful. I wanted to know her, to come closer. As I drew near I saw the treachery of a broken--yes, broken fits all too cunningly--light bulb painted in luminous sheen. Never had I seen such ugliness. I hate all that she is.


how does your darkness glow?
how does the solemn void of your heart warm my luminous soul?
as your brilliance fades and gives way to light, my heart grows cold.
why does my brilliance trace menacing patterns upon your darkened walls?

I am the shadow man.

ahem

were my lips to dry,
would that a tear could fall to your cheek
would you let my wet my lips upon your pain?
could I quench my thirst or would you tease me?
would your suffering flow like the river?
or would a single drop be made to suffice my longing?
were I to be that tear, would you let me fall?
catch me in your palm and consume me, your pain

were my eyes to belie my insanity,
could you tear from your face that mask
so that we can stand together in the light
two as one as two creatures of the night
or would you turn away to the masquerade?
would you smile and laugh in the crowd?
would you frustrate your soul in lamenting?
Hearken to the song of the blackbird traveling in the ether

were my hands to tremble in your touch,
would you hold them tighter in your grasp
or would you grow limp and foreign?
would you forget they tremble for love
could you touch my soul to spite my fear
as your stomach trembles in hunger,
my soul trembles in thirst
let our souls be whole and my fingers shall be sure.

Root

To be a root and hold fast to the ugliness of the earth
to exclude myself from the beauty of the land and suckle at the teet of harsh ground
to consume not but the bitterness of decay and rot and to drink the rain of heavens defiled by the dirt
Yet still to grow--this was the charge of the breeze as it whispered through the reeds
to create from the vile hatred of trampled lands a stem or a stalk
to protrude from the captivity of darkness and claim a place in the sun
to smile in the light, laugh in the wind and to cry in the rain
but to never lose my grasp upon the earth which feeds me
to bear my fruit to the hungry or show my blossoms to the dejected
let them forget at heart I'm a root for my soul resides in the bosom of the earth
I shall consume bitterness and create bliss
This was the charge of the breeze as it whispered through the reeds

some poems

My heart is a lonely ember
let it not die out or inflame
as the wind whispers to my dismal soul,
I fight back the waters rush
...

I was without a home
that I could rest,
I made chaos my home,
I lay my head upon bedlam.

I was without a heart
that I could love,
I made pain my love
I am the masochist's smile

I was without a mind
that I could think,
I made logic my mind
I am the solipsist

I was without grief
that I could cry,
I made laughter my grief
I am the calm of the apathist

I was without soul
that I could exist,
I made her my soul
I am her

I am without chaos
my dreams escape me
I am a restless wanderer

I am without pain
my eyes betray love
I am a darkened heart

I am without logic
my mind is slain by the shadows
I am trapped insanity

I am without laughter
my tears belie my apathy
I am hopelessness frustrated

I am without her
she no longer forms patterned on the wall
I am beside existence

...

were I a moth, I'd fly to the light
to be caressed by its warmth and embraced by its brilliance
in faith it'd sprinkle its luminosity beneath my wings
gliding upon rays of fragrant bliss, I'd smile
were it to burn my skin, I'd fly surer
unabashedly chasing the flame
my shadows would pose as phantoms on the walls I'd flee
would you stop me?
would you doubt my wisdom?
would you follow me or stay in my shadow?
I am a moth chasing the ember of my soul
let me fly
follow me
for my wisdom is pure
and my passion is base
there is beauty in the flame
...
my only want is to be your moon,
to reflect your beauty , muddled and dull in my eyes
let me stay by your side
to be the darker background to your shine
...
that I could hold your pain in my bosom
surrender unto me your heart

I consumed the breath of truth in silence, 

exhaled in solemn surrender that the pain might sustain the passions, 

intrigued by exaltation, 

I surrendered my lips to the sweet aroma of love before I knew love, 

I was alone After biting the bitter fruit, 

I comprehended my aloneness, 

The sweet juices burnt my lips, 

embittering my tongue memories grew dimmer in the presence of the present. 

as I wandered blind into the sacred abyss of my love's waters, 

I realized, 

like a seed sewn in the wind, 

love must be chaste, 

solemnly tended, 

less its innocence be squandered, 

In ignorance, 

I waded as the waters rushed, 

thrashed as the pond grew serene. 

Love confided in me, myself, 

I confided in love, nothing, 

In search for my soul, 

I sought harmony with bedlam 

In submission to my love, 

I found chaos conquered.