Anxiety

I amongst friends, with smiles abound,
Not a dry tongue amongst to be found,
Stories are told over the roar of a bar,
Accounts pulled fresh from a tepid memoir,
Then comes a silence which pervades from within,
Alone amongst all, isolated once again.
Sobriety consumes, and fear is alight,
A glance to a door, a reflex toward flight,
A still repose to disperse my doubt
But quiet too long, from discussion cutout.
And suddenly I see to utter dismay,
I, alone, unhidden in this masquerade.
Not an ally around do I recognize,
Strangers beset me in subtle disguise.
And, I, alike, a stranger to them,
Clandestine pretender hidden within,
And so a chance, I may have found,
An excuse to flee, another drink down.
I slink to the bar, empty bottle in tote.
Two shots and a beer to loosen my throat.
A whiskey burn and a beer to chase
A need to get drunk with fervor and haste
A drunken glaze will vanquish my fears
And return me to kinship, as one amongst peers
Or a drunken haze will simply lift veil
And leave me bare for all to assail
So false sobriety I shall feign
A calm dignity, a noble refrain.

I must get out of my head
They consider me a friend,
No strangers to dread,
No cause to defend.

Back to conversing, a smile I can fake,
Agency returns as fear takes a break,
I smile and I laugh and add to the chatter
When I suddenly realize the crux of the matter
I hate myself, that I cannot deny
And no matter the mask, my eyes will belie.
A tear wells up to betray the smile
Before it can surface I seek to beguile,
Finish this beer and with empty in hand
Return to the bar, alone, and just stand,
Patiently wait, no reason to beckon
A quieter storm in each passing second

Alone with my thoughts where I'm truly free,
A willful acquiescence to the chaos in me.
Another night out with my anxiety.

Masks

Behind every mask
Is a face
Etched with purpose.
And care.
But over every face,
Is a mask.
Malleable,
Less honest

I am my mask
As you are yours
But you are so much more
While I am my mask alone.

Raven

Were He to find in his wearisome malevolence,
the will to strip the wings from a raven,
And curse the flightless with caustic virulence,
for wanting what was taken,

What might be left, a forgotten expression?
The eyes, unsure, it saunters.
Looks not to Corvus with solemn confession,
Resigned to the field it wanders.

In the same, my pen once broken and spent,
The numbness of my heart a contagion,
My walls grew thick, my mind intent,
A censure upon my soul, engraven

But the Raven it runs,
and it leaps,
and it climbs
Every tree, or stalk, a gym.
Toward Corvus is searches,
and it seeks,
and it finds,
A raven won't be embittered by a whim.

Fathers and Sons

When I was but a whisper on his tongue,
A bitter taste, a second son,
An obligation toward love undone,
Was my taste a bitter one?

When my first cries touched his ear,
Were they cries of love or fear?
Were they received with gentle hum?
Or met in kind as torrid bedlam?

When my soft skin did touch his hand,
So coarse, so cold, so strong, so tanned,
For just a moment, did his heart melt?
I suffer to grasp how that touch was felt.

Nameless Nymph [2]

In the moment our eyes first met by chance,
a tale unfurled I would come to regret:
a laugh, an exchange, a meeting, a dance,
a lazy autumn stroll, chasing sunset.
Matching cardigans we learned how to knit,
mountains reflecting your head on my chest,
through the train window in a cab unlit.
A candle, a ring, a promise, a yes,
a vow, a home, three children and two pets.
A sunrise on rockers, two seniors smile:
and in our eyes we espy no regrets.
A tale of nameless love sure to beguile
In the moment, a love, I alone hold:
a tale unwritten, a poem untold.

N***** [2]

I wrote your name one-thousand seven-hundred and thirty-six times on a piece of paper
and I-
I burned it.
Twenty-three times on the eight sides of a number two pencil,
thrice on the tip,
once on the eraser,
stuck it in the fire
and I-
turned it.
Sketched my diary in a tree,
carved the memory of a single night and a thousand dreams

I spoke to my soul with pleading tongue
to relinquish its song, my pain, your animus
to drown out the ballad,
the cursed chorus,
the convulsive refrain,
melodious maladies waning in perpetuity
through the walls of my soul

I solicit demons and angels alike
for rest,
for solace,
for calm,
to restrain the roaring tides
and contend the discord shaking my ether

You who never was,
I will always love,
You who always were,
Forever have my contempt.
Enmity in the mask of my rapture,
Pretender,
Charlatan!
Enchantress!
I shall abhor you to the end of my days

Bored

chocolate coated taxis
await on the shore
driven by tiny men
trumpeting gold plated conch shells
as newspapers reveal
tomorrow's lies and,
sparrows swim tectonic gorges,
we,
we are bored.