I want to love.

"I want to love in a way that makes me realize I'm a liar. To love someone so truly that I realize all the times I've ever thought I was in love, I was sadly mistaken. To love as if I've never truly known love. And then, when I've felt love as I've never felt it before, when I've become sure, faithfully sure, that I've reached the summit of love and my heart is completely open to another, when my soul shines as it never has before, when words flow from my lips in sweet harmony with the beating of a kindred heart and tears swell in my eyes from pure bliss, rushing into a river of joy and pain and sorrow all sweet to my tongue, when my passion overcomes my reason and I'm mad, truly madly in love, I want to love even more."

Bullshitter's Fate.

I walk into the bar,
not a blemish upon my mask.
I'm everything I've ever dreamed
with each overturned emptied glass.
a secret prince,
an astronaut,
a street cop feeling the blues.
see, just this morning my partner was shot.
I just gave his wife the news.
so excuse me miss
if I drink too much,
I just don't wanna be left alone.
all I need is 20 dollars of weed
and a soft shoulder to cry on!

from bar to bar,
I flip my mask,
a saint,
a sinner,
but with a troubling past.
you're the first to see my face, my friend.
I swear, the only one I've ever told.
so with my cards layed out,
I'm going all in--
time to check or fold!

night to night,
I flip my mask
of 9000 lives and 9000 pasts.
the names, the faces
they start to see.
and my magic mask is becoming me.
an astronaut cop,
a sinful saint,
I lost a bet,
or that's just not my name.
it was fun,
but now I'm the mask they hate.
I suppose this is just
The Bullshitter's Fate.

dunno....

nature tries to hide,
with her leaves and weeds and brush,
her child's err, our homes

Line of Duty

trenches on the line,
warmed steel in cold fingers, a
loving mothers wound

Bums

litter roams the street,
open hands carry closed hearts,
un-gloved in winter

Inspiration

She dips her pen in my heart

through an unseen wound

and her words are my life

I am a muse she has created

an unholy chimera of her passions

I dip my pen in her heart

through an unforgiving wound

and my words are my pain

she is a muse I have imagined

an unholy incarnation of my desire

We dip our pens in each others' hearts

through requited wounds

and our words are our enslavements

we, each the other's muse, life and pain,

holy lovers of the others desire and passion

...

a darkened sky
midnight
the street lamp illuminates
an autumn maple
like a shadow of light in
a darkened world

colors

red is the color of blood
of lacerations of the flesh
self-inflicted
the color of amusement parks
and tricycles
red is the color of my heart which beats life
of fire which destroys the same

blue is the color of tears
of asphyxiation
with a smile
the color of cotton candy
and collared polos
blue is the color of the river which runs
and the ocean which sinks

yellow is the color of a newborn child
of jaundiced old men
drowning in home-brew
the color of fireworks
and Easter gowns
yellow is the color of the sun which shines
and the moon which mocks it

white is the color of carnations
of a child's smile
fading in time
the color of wedding dresses
and vanilla ice cream
white is the color of all colors, of light
and the color of pale skin when all light fades

black, black is not a color
it is the absence I am writing with
shedding darkness of this bright leaf
black is all that I love
all that I wish to see
so I scribble and write
to cover this leaf with a new color
the color of a poem unwritten
the color of an infant song
the color of undying belief
of ignorance knowing its wrong
give me the color forth
from the darkness of my ink
with poetic alchemy
I scribble
I draw
I write
to rid this leaf of the color of light

Nameless Nymph

Nameless nymph,
tender temptress.
In that awkward moment,
our worlds became as one.
In that crowded train,
our fears became undone.
In that single glance,
a thousand soft words are shared.
In that shy retreat,
a thousand hard tears are shed.

Nameless nymph,
our lips have never parted yet we kissed.
tender temptress,
our bodies never touched yet I raped you.

Nameless nymph,
tender temptress,
you exist only for these moments
these moments we share.

a thousand moments
a thousand nymphs

I

yesterday I believed myself a raindrop,
falling and rising in rhythm between the ocean and the clouds,
in descent, I was but what's naught,
as I was drank by the greater waters,
I found myself quivering,
a murky fragment in the boundless depths.
in ascent, I was naught but what was,
as I became of the greater mists,
I found myself somber,
a jaded shiver in the unfathomable heights
today I have found that I am the cloud and the ocean and the raindrop.
I am all of life flowing in rhythm within myself.

let me rest my knees before you,
let me rise and I shall never rest,
to prove my worth,
to stand by your side,
may my back be broken,
humbled,
bent

shy guy

my dark eyes see all of you
all but your bright eyes
your soft smile shines on all of my luster
yet you ignore the eyes contradicting my sweet smile
your ears linger to hear the parting waters which rush from those lips
yet know not the impossible labor of the throat in refining the crude to the clear

words

these words will never be enough
they are my frustration
you'll never see the flame of my passion
not in these words
these words are the seal not the expression
I give you my love in these words
as your beauty is given in a photograph
as your rage is given in a smile
my passions are given in these words
but these words are not enough
I want to smash,
to break,
incite,
ignite,
yet I recite
I want to caress,
to kiss,
grasp,
fuck,
yet I write
no, these words will never be enough
but from so far away, they are all I have.

Sip and Sic

I wait for us to fade away
deceptor, you said we were no more
I watch and wait as all the joy becomes pain
I sipped the sweet wine
you warned it'd grow bitter
I hold to that first sip
that first sip
sip and sic
another mistake
you held me tight
it took so much to loosen the grasp of your talons
now I hold the bottle
I watch and wait for us to fade
sip, sip, sic
I'm dreaming and awake
you said we'd be no more
so why do I still see us
how can you be so far and near
vixen
love
sip, sip, sip...sic
I'm thinking by myself
my only fear
no one but me here
we are no more
but I am we
sip and we are no more.

...

I'll lie my head upon your shoulder 

your thoughts seep in 

blanket me in your doubts 

cover my insecurities with your lies 

 I'll rest my feet in your lap 

your tickles send rumors 

trap me in your heart 

enrage me with your love 

 I'll close my eyes against your neck

your words paint murals 

arouse me in your ether 

entice me with your poetry

Beauty

I searched for your beauty repeated,
that you might know the power it possesses,
Far and near, I searched in desperation.
but no rose knew symmetry,
no vase had a perfect flaw,
no painting knew grace and rhythm,
no song could smile,
no diamond emobodied innocence,
no pearl could make me cry.
So I've brought you a mirror.
Though its reflection is dull and contorted,
only in it shall beauty ever be revealed to you.

Trapped_inSanity

I am sane by my standards alone. Insane by yours. I am insane by yours. I am frustrated by the schism between who I am and how I act.I am masked insanity, trapped. I am trapped in sanity.

Memories

We are our memories
let us not forget from whence we came
so as we drink the wine which ripens in each sip
from the river which flows with each turn,
let us savor the sorrow and pain
that we might comprehend the joy and bliss

the abyss

This is the abyss
dark as dusk
but dawn shall never come
we are stuck in this moment
when light escapes the plains
weary and weak we can only watch
we sit and wait
light forever dims
darkness approaches in a tease
yet, that darkness never approaches
I smile for I sit with the light
let darkness come and take me
that I can be overcome in this dusk
next to you
guide me toward our soul
that we might shine as one
for you are not the flower but the root
which creates bliss of bitterness
brilliance in the shade

Dark Flashes

I can see the gaps between moments
dark flashes upon which my heart races in anticipation
time withers, twists and tears
blanks within a stare
no time lost
I can see the gaps between moments

N*****

Have you ever seen darkness glow? I thought I had once. Darkness that gleamed brilliantly. I saw in it all that I desired in this world. Darkness in and of itself could be beautiful. I wanted to know her, to come closer. As I drew near I saw the treachery of a broken--yes, broken fits all too cunningly--light bulb painted in luminous sheen. Never had I seen such ugliness. I hate all that she is.


how does your darkness glow?
how does the solemn void of your heart warm my luminous soul?
as your brilliance fades and gives way to light, my heart grows cold.
why does my brilliance trace menacing patterns upon your darkened walls?

I am the shadow man.

ahem

were my lips to dry,
would that a tear could fall to your cheek
would you let my wet my lips upon your pain?
could I quench my thirst or would you tease me?
would your suffering flow like the river?
or would a single drop be made to suffice my longing?
were I to be that tear, would you let me fall?
catch me in your palm and consume me, your pain

were my eyes to belie my insanity,
could you tear from your face that mask
so that we can stand together in the light
two as one as two creatures of the night
or would you turn away to the masquerade?
would you smile and laugh in the crowd?
would you frustrate your soul in lamenting?
Hearken to the song of the blackbird traveling in the ether

were my hands to tremble in your touch,
would you hold them tighter in your grasp
or would you grow limp and foreign?
would you forget they tremble for love
could you touch my soul to spite my fear
as your stomach trembles in hunger,
my soul trembles in thirst
let our souls be whole and my fingers shall be sure.

Root

To be a root and hold fast to the ugliness of the earth
to exclude myself from the beauty of the land and suckle at the teet of harsh ground
to consume not but the bitterness of decay and rot and to drink the rain of heavens defiled by the dirt
Yet still to grow--this was the charge of the breeze as it whispered through the reeds
to create from the vile hatred of trampled lands a stem or a stalk
to protrude from the captivity of darkness and claim a place in the sun
to smile in the light, laugh in the wind and to cry in the rain
but to never lose my grasp upon the earth which feeds me
to bear my fruit to the hungry or show my blossoms to the dejected
let them forget at heart I'm a root for my soul resides in the bosom of the earth
I shall consume bitterness and create bliss
This was the charge of the breeze as it whispered through the reeds

some poems

My heart is a lonely ember
let it not die out or inflame
as the wind whispers to my dismal soul,
I fight back the waters rush
...

I was without a home
that I could rest,
I made chaos my home,
I lay my head upon bedlam.

I was without a heart
that I could love,
I made pain my love
I am the masochist's smile

I was without a mind
that I could think,
I made logic my mind
I am the solipsist

I was without grief
that I could cry,
I made laughter my grief
I am the calm of the apathist

I was without soul
that I could exist,
I made her my soul
I am her

I am without chaos
my dreams escape me
I am a restless wanderer

I am without pain
my eyes betray love
I am a darkened heart

I am without logic
my mind is slain by the shadows
I am trapped insanity

I am without laughter
my tears belie my apathy
I am hopelessness frustrated

I am without her
she no longer forms patterned on the wall
I am beside existence

...

were I a moth, I'd fly to the light
to be caressed by its warmth and embraced by its brilliance
in faith it'd sprinkle its luminosity beneath my wings
gliding upon rays of fragrant bliss, I'd smile
were it to burn my skin, I'd fly surer
unabashedly chasing the flame
my shadows would pose as phantoms on the walls I'd flee
would you stop me?
would you doubt my wisdom?
would you follow me or stay in my shadow?
I am a moth chasing the ember of my soul
let me fly
follow me
for my wisdom is pure
and my passion is base
there is beauty in the flame
...
my only want is to be your moon,
to reflect your beauty , muddled and dull in my eyes
let me stay by your side
to be the darker background to your shine
...
that I could hold your pain in my bosom
surrender unto me your heart

I consumed the breath of truth in silence, 

exhaled in solemn surrender that the pain might sustain the passions, 

intrigued by exaltation, 

I surrendered my lips to the sweet aroma of love before I knew love, 

I was alone After biting the bitter fruit, 

I comprehended my aloneness, 

The sweet juices burnt my lips, 

embittering my tongue memories grew dimmer in the presence of the present. 

as I wandered blind into the sacred abyss of my love's waters, 

I realized, 

like a seed sewn in the wind, 

love must be chaste, 

solemnly tended, 

less its innocence be squandered, 

In ignorance, 

I waded as the waters rushed, 

thrashed as the pond grew serene. 

Love confided in me, myself, 

I confided in love, nothing, 

In search for my soul, 

I sought harmony with bedlam 

In submission to my love, 

I found chaos conquered.