Anxiety

I amongst friends, with smiles abound,
Not a dry tongue amongst to be found,
Stories are told over the roar of a bar,
Accounts pulled fresh from a tepid memoir,
Then comes a silence which pervades from within,
Alone amongst all, isolated once again.
Sobriety consumes, and fear is alight,
A glance to a door, a reflex toward flight,
A still repose to disperse my doubt
But quiet too long, from discussion cutout.
And suddenly I see to utter dismay,
I, alone, unhidden in this masquerade.
Not an ally around do I recognize,
Strangers beset me in subtle disguise.
And, I, alike, a stranger to them,
Clandestine pretender hidden within,
And so a chance, I may have found,
An excuse to flee, another drink down.
I slink to the bar, empty bottle in tote.
Two shots and a beer to loosen my throat.
A whiskey burn and a beer to chase
A need to get drunk with fervor and haste
A drunken glaze will vanquish my fears
And return me to kinship, as one amongst peers
Or a drunken haze will simply lift veil
And leave me bare for all to assail
So false sobriety I shall feign
A calm dignity, a noble refrain.

I must get out of my head
They consider me a friend,
No strangers to dread,
No cause to defend.

Back to conversing, a smile I can fake,
Agency returns as fear takes a break,
I smile and I laugh and add to the chatter
When I suddenly realize the crux of the matter
I hate myself, that I cannot deny
And no matter the mask, my eyes will belie.
A tear wells up to betray the smile
Before it can surface I seek to beguile,
Finish this beer and with empty in hand
Return to the bar, alone, and just stand,
Patiently wait, no reason to beckon
A quieter storm in each passing second

Alone with my thoughts where I'm truly free,
A willful acquiescence to the chaos in me.
Another night out with my anxiety.